AN OPEN LETTER TO WOMEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS!
I’ve been prompted to write this post after reading countless stories from anonymous women trapped in abusive, unhappy or terrible marriages who want to end their battle but the only thing that holds them back is fear and uncertainty for their children. And to all these mothers, this girl from a broken home has something to tell.
My mom made the choice to end the battle when I was around 9. I will always remain grateful for that ONE STEP OF COURAGE THAT SAVED MY SOUL.
I saw disharmony between my parents, and was constantly confused as to whose side to choose. I was afraid of when the next fight would be and where to hide when it happened. I was afraid what might set dad off and when it did mom couldn’t do anything to save me. My mom SAVED ME from staying in this atmosphere my entire life and for that she will always be MY HERO.
Knowledge of discord between parents affects children in ways YOU CANNOT IMAGINE. It is a heavy burden I carried in my little heart when I was 6 knowing my parents were not happy. There were smiles missing and love absent. It was confusing for me to be the only one in my class with such a family problem. And this, dear brave moms, is what DESTROYS A CHILD’S SELF ESTEEM. To watch his/her MOTHER suffer at the hands of the FATHER. To know he is the reason for her tears. To feel helpless because you don’t even fully understand what’s wrong and how to stop it. To hide under a sofa when they fight because you are afraid they might just kill each other off and you would be left all alone. It is BEYOND TRAUMATIC and stays with a child FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. When the child grows up, he or she may also harbor resentment towards the mother for never taking a stand and staying in the mess and making them suffer right along with her. CHILDREN KNOW- CHILDREN CAN FEEL. You don’t want your child to feel that way – trust me.
Choose not just the betterment of your kids, but betterment for YOU. You deserve better than to be stuck with a man who doesn’t know your worth. Your kids will grow up and have their own life so you need to develop yourself so you don’t turn into one of those clingy moms who have no life of their own and can’t share their sons and daughters with their spouses, and are ultimately the kind of mothers-in-law many anon women complain of in this group.
Allah Subhanwatalla Has Instructed that if there are disagreements between spouses, everything must be done to sort them out. Involve families and do your utmost to save the marriage. Have patience, give it time and leave no stone unturned to make it right – but if that doesn’t work STOP STAYING IN DENIAL. KNOW THAT IT IS A LOST CAUSE THAT WILL LEAVE YOU WITH NOTHING.
Dear brave anonymous moms holding back because of kids – HAVE A LITTLE COURAGE. Save your child from growing up in such a mess. My mom’s situation may not be applicable to all and you are the best judge of your own circumstances. What works for one may not work for another. Some may not have the option, some may not be strong enough or not have the resources. But know this that one well-timed act of courage MAY SAVE you and your kids from a LIFETIME of damage.
Some women think “how will kids be affected from joint custody or single parent custody and divorce?” Accept that children WILL be affected the most from a divorce. You can’t always shield them from all the bad in the world. Even better than PROTECTION is to give them the tools to DEFEND and COPE with the wrongs in the world and make them stronger and more responsible human beings. Kids from broken homes can be some of the strongest people you know, it all depends how you handle it.
One time, there was a lady at work who was initiating a divorce from an abusive husband and was dreading it – again because of her kids. To make her feel better “I said don’t worry – be strong look at me. i made it, In Shaa Allah, they will too but you need to be strong for them to make it easier for them :)”. and she smiled and said “you turned out just fine, Rimsha, that’s comforting :)” she did get her divorce and is MashAllah happily married now.
What has to happen will happen, what you can do is try to deal with it better. Divorce is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. It all depends on YOU. Make it a comma, not the full stop to the story of your life.
I have always felt that had my mom not been so strong, I would not have half the confidence and strength I have today. I can proudly say that my mom chose to stand up for herself and her kids rather than play doormat to some man who didn’t know any better. Be that mom kids LOOK UP TO not the mom they FEEL SORRY FOR.
Dear Anon moms, i may not know you but i will always pray for you and your sweet children and hope you will help them to grow into amazing and strong human beings. Every child deserves a healthy environment to grow in filled with love and kindness. We all are Taken Care of by Allah, regardless of what bad or good comes in our lives. So have a little Faith…
Because Faith will take you places you can’t even imagine.
P.S. This letter is written by Rimsha Khalid Malik. She’s brave woman who went through this traumatic experience and is now an inspiration for all of us ! ”